Wee Scoops

Measure for Measure

Archive for the tag “postaday2013”

Nearly Five

Daughter2 is nearly five. I will soon be clear of the “young children” phase, which I have found very difficult and I am looking forward to the school-age children phase which is on the horizon. To celebrate this milestone, I will repost an ancient blogpost from the archives detailing the birth. 

Apologies if it contains “too much information”, but a heavily pregnant young friend did ask…

Too Much Information

Well – it’s bound to be isn’t it. I think it must be some kind of inbuilt compulsion to go over the birth story as therapy. Although it went very well and was horrible but highly comedic all round. Thanks to the NHS as usual. Great service.

So I went in on the Friday night and got rigged up to a 1960’s looking gadget for a while, while listening to some poor woman refusing all pain relief and being in full labour. Then her waters broke and the midwives turfed her out of the ward to go and have it somewhere else.

Then I went to bed – although in late pregnancy, you don’t sleep as such – more just go to bed and wait until morning. They expected me to labour over night and I did think I was pretty close but I held myself back from the brink until my tea and toast came at 6am.

Tea and toast had, I was banned from having the real breakfast at 9am and then was taken to the labour ward. They broke my waters and joogled me like a hot-water bottle ’til I was all empty. I was then NHS gowned and sent for a walk to bring on the contractions. So I went to the foyer to phone husband and paced about and paced about. Half and hour later husband arrived and we paced about together and I started to puff and blow but when asked I was still in denial about the contractions. It is a rock and a hard place thing. The last thing you want is to go into labour. But from my perspective, I wasn’t going to get any lunch until I had the baby.

So eventually it got pretty painful and puffy and blowy so I asked for some kind of pain relief. And they suggested I have a bath. For someone like me who is big on intervention and total sensory deprivation, this should have rung alarm bells that this was a cunning plan on their part to sidetrack me away from my epidural strategy and hoodwink me into a “natural” birth. However, for some reason I felt the need to be obedient. I was handed a gas’n’air trolley and headed off to the bathroom.

Getting in that bath was the BEST THING EVER. Just brilliant. Every ache and pain disappeared. In previous labours I have HATED the gas and air – but maybe I got the hang of it this time. So I contracted away, all alone, sucking on my gas and air and putting my head back on the side of the corner bath (Sarah Beeny would have something to say…)  – I felt just like a stoned celebrity and began an internal monologue.

I knew if I didn’t get out the bath I would progress too far to get the epidural. So I kept thinking I should get out. But then I would have a contraction, suck too much on the gas and air and get stoned and forget I was planning on coming out. I kept promising myself I would come out after the next two contractions… and another two… and another two.

Eventually I rubbed my remaining neurons together and heaved myself out of the bath, back into the gowns and trundled back to the room to campaign for the epidural.

I thought I’d be about 8 centimetres by this point and banned from the total sensory deprivation – but I was only 5 centimetres  – Hurrah – they called for the anaesthetist!

It was the same chap as the last time. Unfortunately for him I was still gas’n’airing and thinking I was DEAD FUNNY. Oh how I laughed. True to anaesthetist form he started with the random questions and the anti-getting-sued speech. I made it quite clear, as per two blogs ago, that I was not a bit interested in the speech but just wanted a needle in my spine and some hard drugs going up it. All through his wee speech I was going “Yup yup yup uhuh headaches…. Yup yup damage your spine… heard it …yup yup… you need to get this speech going a bit faster…. Yup yup yup ….. I know I know I know….” Repeat to fade, while gesticulating a “Wrap this up”.

He said afterwards it was the fastest he’s ever given the speech. I don’t know why he wouldn’t keep talking through the contractions – I wouldn’t have minded. I don’t know why they don’t get you to sign a disclaimer promising not to sue. Well I do know – it is all a ploy to keep you from having the blinking epidural.

Meanwhile, inside my own wee head, I was perfectly aware that things were progressing in the centimetre department and I was having to try real hard not to make that primal grunt that gives you away. So I tried my very best and it worked for a while.

Then – horror of horrors – my gas’n’air ran out. They said –  “I’ll get you another one.” So she trundles out of the room. All my days I have really, really not wanted ever to feel pain like that. A whole contaction at the height of labour with not a jot of pain relief. Felt like crying and had a face of misery. It was sore. So then she comes trundling in with my replacement canister. And I am thinking, “WHY ARE YOU NOT RUNNING, WOMAN???” but I managed not to say anything and concentrate on getting stoned.

Mr anaesthetist then saunters back with his gadgetry and sets about sellotaping bits to my back and putting the needle in. It was pretty hard to concentrate what with my intake of gas’n’air and my resolve not to give away the fact that I was pretty much ready to deliver – thinking ‘there is no way I won’t have had a baby in the next twenty minutes, before this gadget has been fully cranked up’… So we got it all sited and he put the test dose in…

Then I grunted.

Nightmare. All the midwives eyes lit up, they clapped their hands with glee and said “I think there is a baby coming.” The anaesthetist said – ” I have only put it one test dose – shall I do the other?”

“Get it in, get it in, get it in.” I begged, at speed. But the midwives sent him away with a flea in his ear.

Rats.

So the midwives set about putting their master plan into action. Because of my previous deliveries they wanted to deliver it quicker than the usual way. So they contorted me around like a turkey getting unstuffed crossed with a fish getting dipped in batter. And then, with some very loud roaring that left husband black affronted, I gave pretty much one long continuous almighty push – and out she came. A very beautiful baby girl.

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Cracking Some Yolks

I set myself a pun-chline challenge – this time it’s all about EGGS.  Please vote for your favourite punchline. If you have a better one, please include in your comments. 🙂

this is no joke mr. yoke

this is no joke mr. yoke (Photo credit: Pixel Addict)

Life of Pie

 

Here are some of the search terms people used in the past month, and found me here at WeeScoops:

 

“sachertorte sue”

 

I thought that would be a good name for a superhero, of sorts. Another possible search-term derived superhero name was:

 

“orinoco biscuits”

 

Maybe this duo could get together to assist the surfer who demanded:

 

“get me nurture”

 

or help out

 

“housewives splashing puddles with cars”

 

that I don’t think is all that possible, really…

 

Mouse costumers, Mardi Gras morning in New Orleans

 

But, who knows – strange things happen – rodents take on human abilities, leading one to ask:

“is diary of a church mouse a metaphor”

 

No. It’s real. He wrote it himself.

 

“ooohooo”

Indeed. Perhaps he did it with

 

“conker nut bible means”

 

before resigning himself to

 

“Life of pie and so it goes with god”

 

Looking on the bright side

My car’s in the garage for a while, so I am travelling under my own steam. Or borrowed steam. Or the bus.

Today that was all good because the weather was startlingly good.

🙂

There was dense mist to start with, as I went on a run to where my car had broken down last night.

558057_10151424973377973_965151222_n

Then the mist gave way to glorious sun as the AA man came and towed my car away.

photo-2

Then the low sun split the trees on the walk to school in the afternoon.

photo-1

Absolutely brilliant.

Oversensitive Smoke Alarms

English: Herbal Essences - "Color Me Happ...

English: Herbal Essences – “Color Me Happy” shampoo and conditioner bottles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

*smoke alarm ringing*

First it was Flash bathroom cleaner.

Then it was Herbal Essences Pink shampoo (with the green cap thing, not the pink cap thing).

Today it was Herbal Essecces orange shampoo that did it.

*smoke alarm ringing*

So, I ditched the Flash in favour of Cif. Which feels daft, because no matter what they call it, and I call it: we all know it is Jif. It’s like saying you’ve had a Snickers. IT’S a MARATHON. And deep down THERE ARE NO STARBURSTS. THEY ARE OPAL FRUITS.

Moorland Archaeology - Packed with Peanuts

Moorland Archaeology – Packed with Peanuts (Photo credit: pluralzed)

*aims hair-drier at smoke alarm and wafts hoodie at it in vain attempt to redirect the airflow*

Then there was the shampoo strategy. I swapped the pink stuff for orange stuff and it was all good. Then I bought new orange stuff and was washing and conditioning my hair with gay abandon – and FAIL – the smoke alarm goes off again.

And I don’t want to be one step ahead and assume the alarm is playing ‘cry wolf’ and think “It’s the shampoo”. I need to check I haven’t left some appliance a-smouldering. I haven’t.

*smoke alarm ringing*

Ooft.

I’d have thought that “Herbal Essences” might be sufficiently organic or …. I dunno… nature based?… okay, so maybe I am a little naive.

So, does anyone have any experience of cleaning/cleansing products that set off smoke alarms – or is it JUST ME?

Does anyone one have any recommendations of shampoo and conditioner that doesn’t catch the back of your throat with its caustic smoke-like fumes? I’d like to try a new brand.

*sudden silence*

Relevant? Eh…totally :-) #E100

Some things never change. People, particularly.

This week I am reading about Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The stories may be ancient – but the issues are very human and pretty much timeless.

There is a bit where Abraham thinks he is going to get beaten up and killed for having a beautiful wife, so he coerces her to lie to the Egyptians and say she is his sister, so they will let him live. This results in her getting drawn into the household of the Egyptian monarchy, until they figure it out and confront him.

Meanwhile in the news we have the Huhne court case. Pryce claims she is not guilty of perverting the course of justice on the grounds of marital coercion – that her husband made her take his speeding penalty points, until the story came out and he was confronted.

Today I am reading about Jacob pretending he is Esau and passing off his meal as that produced by his brother.

In the background we have the horsemeat scandal where it turn out that 100% beef can mean 100% horse. He was 100% Jacob pretending to be 100% Esau.

It seems that being deceitful and self-serving goes back a long way. I suppose that is one of the Bible’s points, though.

Will we ever learn?

A Limerick With “Woosh” in it

English: Cover for A Book of Nonsense by Edwar...

English: Cover for A Book of Nonsense by Edward Lear (ca 1875 James Miller edition) Français : Couverture de A Book of Nonsense d’Edward Lear (édition James Miller, vers 1875) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A word in a poem was sought.

Such a limerick cannot be bought.

A wish for a woosh

I can grant at a push:

It was easy. Who would have thought?

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet #E100

English: The Tower of Babel

English: The Tower of Babel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Consistency, agreement and teamwork are “good things”. Pulling the team together in the one direction can lead to great things. Then you know where you are and what you are about.

The people in Genesis decided where they were and what they were about and set about establishing themselves. So they decided to build a city. Not on rock and roll.

This doesn’t meet with God’s approval, so he confuses the languages of the people and they stop their building projects and move away from the beginnings of the city to establish themselves over “the face of the whole earth”.

So the moral of the story seems to be that uniformity and centralization were not part of God’s plan at this stage in the set up of civilization.

This was the story of the tower of Babel.

It made me consider a few issues: the relationship between language and power; the relationship between language and community; where we are with language and translation today.

Language and power is a big issue now and historically in Scotland. Language is important to me as it connects me to people and places. Today googletranslate is completely brilliant – unless you want to translate regional dialects.

Robert Crawford wrote an interesting poem “Simultaneous Translation”, about (I think) the odd, almost subconscious awareness of the moment of translation – and the fact that we all live within our own wee idiolect, dialect or language – but we share the earth with people who use an infinite array of idiolects. And we are all translating all the time. Here’s an excerpt:

This is where we all live now,

Wearing something like a Sony Walkman,

 

Hearing another voice every time we speak.

A girl opens her mouth and an Oxbridge bass

 

Is talking in English. What is she really saying?

Already her finger is starting to creep

 

Closer to the binding of a parallel text,

Between the lines, then crossing over.

 

Anyway, back to the bible. This confusion of languages that allows the settlement of the whole earth reminds me of this bit of the story at Pentecost:

All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.  Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment, because each one heard their own language being spoken.  Utterly amazed, they asked: “Aren’t all these who are speaking Galileans? Then how is it that each of us hears them in our native language?

Instead of confusion at the creation of a variety in languages, there is bewilderment at being able to understand the same message simultaneously. Simultaneous translation.

Lastly, I feel I can’t abandon my efforts to record my thoughts on the Tower of Babel without mentioning (largely irrelevantly) the Babel Fish from “A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, so, to end, here are three quotes by Douglas Adams featuring the Babel fish:,

…if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish.”

“Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.”

“Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.

The argument goes something like this: “I refuse to prove that I exist,'” says God, “for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.”

“But,” says Man, “The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don’t. QED.”

“Oh dear,” says God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

“Oh, that was easy,” says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.”

(Search) terms of endearment

English: New Year Fireworks over Edinburgh Cas...

English: New Year Fireworks over Edinburgh Castle Fireworks over Edinburgh Castle at New Year. Taken from Inverleith Park. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tilly Bud’s were better, but here are a few of my favourite search terms that people used to find me in the past month. Or, maybe they didn’t use them to find me. They used them; they found me. So, what did they want to know?

what type of jammy dodger does the queen like

Eh…. I think you’ve answered your own question there.

why can I toddler not play the recorder

Eh… because you, toddler, clearly are some kind of prodigy, given that you are doing your own searches… but you can’t be good at everything, come now…

train shymphony flashbang

Eh… a hazy memory of Edinbugh?

the depression must have hit the white section if stamps with cyclonic impact but seeped into the black area slowly, like a thief with misgivings

Ah… I thought this was maybe a weather experiment leaking… or something… but the fabulous simile on the end means… it must be an approximation of a quote. This is not a homework service!

naked ladies in Ballater

Wisnae me.

hate wifes fat face

Hope it isnae me.

limerick with woosh in it

Oh, I might try that 🙂

This is how it’s going to be. #E100

Landscape with Noah's Thank Offering (painting...

I had thought the rainbow was about rain – that God wouldn’t end the earth that way.

Today, it seems more like a symbol of grace.

Once Noah is out of the Ark and makes a sacrifice to God, God reflects on the whole situation, resolving:

“Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood.”

He commits to mankind in the long term; revises the practicalities and ground rules and institutes a new covenant.

Seasons and natural order are promised. Man is permitted to eat meat as well as plants. Human life is set aside as sacred because Man is made in God’s image.

Then the rainbow is given as a sign of this covenant – that the world and its natural order will continue, despite Man’s fallen state. The covenant is between God and everything in creation – not just Man.

I think that this story illustrates the beginning of the tension that people feel about good and evil – and why evil is permitted, if God is good.

In this story we can see that if God’s wrath were to fall on the earth, onto all who were disobedient – all whose “every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood” it would warrant utter destruction of all things.

But within the order outlined in this covenant, through the cycle of the seasons, the valuing of human life and a sense of justice and worth, through the care and use of the world’s resources, there is an existence of grace extended to a fallen people.

And a rainbow.

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