Middle Age, Middle Earth, Middle of March #deerstalker #ratracer #mightydeerstalker

I spend my life being overtaken by a herd of metaphorical gazelles at training, so I was well prepared for the Deerstalker in at least one respect; I was probably more worried about getting to the start line suitably fit, with suitable kit and having had enough in the way of water and chips.

We ate at Bony’s Steakhouse and just about managed to navigate our way through the waiter’s patter and to our hotel in time to get kitted up and out to the event.

Beautiful crisp, clear night. Feeling good, feeling ready and off we went.
Touch of the “going on a bear hunt”, except it was a deer stalk.

Over the hay bales
crunch jump crunch jump
through the muddy field
squelch suck squelch suck
through the water
splish splash splish splash
up the steep hill
gasp wheeze gasp wheeze
along the forest track
ziggy zaggy ziggy zaggy
off the forest track up and down
pumping arms pumping legs
blinded by man in reflective jacket
squint moan dazzle, squint moan dazzle
up the heathery incline
push elbow skip push elbow skip
down the sharp descent
skitey crab-crawl, skitey crab-crawl
over the bridge
trip trap trip trap
along the river
‘don’t fall into the Tweed, don’t fall into the Tweed’
across further
Ahhh, nice and flat ahh, nice and flat
through the village
high-five, high-five,
stop at the water stop
chew slurp chew slurp
through the river
roar slip grab chitter roar slip grab chitter
run to the grassy crossroads
scamper bound scamper bound
up the heathery ascent
bouncing rocks bouncing rocks
passed by the man with the union jack underpants (and nothing else but a head-torch and trail shoes)
disbelief disbelief
slight rockfall
“that’s reassuring”, “that’s reassuring”
up the scree
mount doom, Frodo-tastic, mount doom, Frodo-tastic
up more scree
smugly bearcrawling, smugly bearcrawling

watch your footing
stumble trip, stumble trip
backwards descent
terror fear glad-of-the-gloves terror fear glad-of-the-gloves
down the rope
are you kidding? are you kidding?
along the river path
‘don’t fall into the Tweed, don’t fall into the Tweed’
stop at the water stop
chew slurp chew slurp
say hi to the village people
high-five, high five
through the river
splishy sploshy, splishy, sploshy
through the tunnel
waist deep wet pants, waist deep wet pants

back through the muddy field
squelchy stagger, squelchy stagger
under the unnecessary cargo net
crawl moan grumble crawl moan grumble
over the really unnecessary final obstacle
pull shimmy drop grumble pull shimmy drop grumble
and across the line…

Three hours of sustained and varied effort and I was last as usual. Not out of the whole couple of thousand entrants – just anyone I knew. We then headed off shivering to the very lovely hotel for a rock and roll after party.

The prosecco chilling in the sink was left chilling in the sink, as we lay face down on the floor greeting with fatigue, only just managing to sip some tea and nibble some cake before heading to bed.

Great fun, all in. And I wouldn’t not do it again.