Let me get that: I unclench those white, white knuckles for 2014
I have five bottles of New Year’s Resolution in this Hogmanay’s ice bucket. Before I uncork them for real on 31 December, I’ll have a read at the labels.
1. Let me get that, the drinks are on me. I am indebted, literally, to my friends and family for a lifetime’s worth of drinks, cakes, lunches and coffees. I never pay. It never hardly crosses my mind and then it’s too late. And I will not enter in to those – “I’ll pay,” / “No, don’t be silly, I’ll pay,” / “No, really, I won’t hear of it, I’ll pay” – conversations. If anyone is paying, sure, pay away! So this year, I am paying. No really, don’t be silly, I’ll pay. Now, I haven’t decided whether this “I’ll pay” policy actually involves the ‘going to the bar’ bit. I am too short and my voice doesn’t project, and I never got the hang of the carrying multiple glasses. I might throw a twenty at a tall friend though, in the hope that they bring me back my current tipple: tap-water-with-ice, and whatever they’re having. Not that I am stingy. Well I am, hence the resolution.
2. Let’s get physical. I have bought a physical diary, like, a paper one, like, that you write on, like, with, like, a pen. I resolve to actually write things down in it and refer to it on a daily basis so that I actually turn up to things that I mean to turn up to. I intend to be 100% reliable.
3. Make it snappy. I resolve to sort out, once and for all, the unruly heaps and boxes of photographs that are sitting about my house. I resolve to create a storage and retrieval system that can be added to when yet another pile of photos turns up. I will not simply spend night after night looking at them until I feel seasick, musing over how regrettable it would be to share them online.
4. Maintain the quest for the point of failure. Having had the epiphany that the point of failure is the point of gain, I resolve to reach the point of failure as often as possible. This year I attended precisely 100 training sessions. To make this resolution quantifiable, I resolve to beat that in 2014.
5. Downloadable Me. It’s about time I had an e-book. I’ll either go with short stories or Scottish poetry. I need to stop myself spontaneously hitting “Publish” on here.
I scrunch the bottles down into the ice and await the bells.