Wee Scoops

Measure for Measure

Krypton Versus Krypton

Gordon Burns: Welcome to tonight’s show! On the Krypton Factor tonight, it is an extra special space-time-continuum edition. It’s a head-to-head tonight and both contestants are… the same person. Welcome San. (Both versions smile amiably to camera.) The only thing that separates them is a decade of life experience. So, first up we have Sanstorm 28.Welome!

San28: (looking shyly through her hair) It’s great to be here!

GB: And Sanstorm 38 – welcome!

San38: Likewise.

GB:  OK. So, on the Krypton Factor tonight there are four rounds: Mental Agility, Response, Physical Ability and General Knowledge. And so to Round 1: “Mental Agility”.

(The contestants take their places on two stools. They have headphones on so that they cannot hear each other’s responses)

GB: For the first challenge you have to remember all the birthdays of all your blood relatives and close friends. You have to be able to calculate the ages of all those under 21. For each person you must come up with a thoughtful, useful and original gift. Ok. Your time has begun:

(Intense time-crescendo music. Final gong)

GB: OK, San28 and San 38 – How did you do?

San28 – Great!  (confidently waves list to camera)

San38: Aw… man, like that is so unfair. (scrumples list) I’ve got way more relatives than she does and I’ve used up a decade’s worth of original ideas.

GB: So, after round 1, San 28 has a Krypton Factor of 17 and San 38,  (pause, and continues glumly) has a Krypton factor of 9. (Briskly) On to round 2: “Response”. For this round you have to enter a room. In that room there are several things to respond to. You are against each other, and the clock.

(The contestants open doors to two identical rooms. They are well-equipped kitchens with small bathrooms adjacent. The fourth wall is open to the audience. In the room there is a baby with a dirty nappy, some sausages that need to be grilled, a washing to be put on, a tumble drier needing emptied and several pairs of shoes, bags, jackets and miscellaneous bits of plastic and paper on the floor.)

San28: Ew… what’s that smell? That is so not my job. Where’s the mum? …. What a mess! (Tuts and folds her arms. She decided to grill the sausages and tries to ignore the baby. Meanwhile…)

San 38: (She enters with a confident flurry – and first puts the sausages on. Next, the child. She takes the child to the bathroom and changes the nappy and washes her hands. She hangs up all the bags and jackets and gathers the toys in a pile next to the child. The papers she bundles. The laundry is moved on a base. As she makes a move to check the sausages,  final gong)

GB: OK ladies come on out. Let’s see how you did. (They do so.) So, in that round, San28, you gained 5 points, giving you a Krypton Factor of 23. San38  – you mananged to complete almost every task, and you therefore gain 45 points, giving you a Krypton Factor of 54. But it’s still all to play for! Round three “Physical Ability”.

(Cut to a pre-recorded montage of a day at an army assault course. San28 collapses in a heap after two minutes of aerobic exercise. San 38 manages to complete the course, despite her less… athletic figure.)

GB: So, San 28, you scored 2 – now you have a Krypton Factor of 25. San38, you scored 25, giving you a Krypton Factor of 79! And the last round: General Knowledge. If you could go into the booths and complete the questions…

(They do so. Camera picks up both contestants in a parallel profile. San 38 has gone for the glasses look, where San 28 has contact lenses – but the overall impression is similar. Final Gong)

GB: And, for the general knowledge round – it’s a dead heat! I thought you’d have it in the bag San38 – with ten more years of wisdom.

San38 – But I have NO CLUE what’s been going on in the real world in the last ten years. Not a clue.

San28  – So I lose? I can’t believe that! How come you are fitter than me? And what’s with the efficient housewifery? How did that come about?

San38 – Don’t worry – you’ll find out!

GB: So it’s good night from this time-busting special edition of the  Krypton Factor. See you next week!

(Closing Credits)

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3 thoughts on “Krypton Versus Krypton

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