Postaday 2011: Notes to Self… Flux Capaciter… Fluxing…
[Lightening Flash. Smoke Puff]
Old me: Hi – don’t worry – the fact I am talking to you is not one of those doppelganger things – you are not about to die.
Young me: Oh – well that’s a relief – what on earth has happened to your… my stomach?
Old me: No woman should know too much about her own destiny.
Young me: So, what are you doing here then?
Old me: I have to tell you about the future.
Young me: But you said…
Old me: I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE FUTURE!
Young me: Oh. Right. It’s a quote?
Old me :Eh… uhuh… obviously.
Young me: So, where are you from?… I mean when are you from?
Old me: It’s 2011. It’s a blast. You have no idea. You’d be better off being hit by a truck, then kicked by a horse.
Young me: Really? Man, this is heavy.
Old me: There’s that word again: “Heavy”…
Young me: I don’t suppose there’s a problem with the earth’s gravitational pull?
Old me: No. There are problems with everything else though.
Young me: Oh?
Old me: Yes. Everything’s gone a bit … woolly. Like blancmange.
Young me: Blancmange?
Old me: Yes. It’s all gone a bit abstract and … virtual.
Young me: Like what?
Old me: Well, instead of having wars against like, other countries, we’ve been having a war against a concept. It’s called the War on Terror. Bit hard to win.
Young me: I see.
Old me: And a friend doesn’t have to be like a real friend. In fact ” friend” has become a verb… anyway.
Young me: What, like, on my MySpace?
Old me: (SNORT)
Young me: Anyway – have you just come here to be obtuse? Is there nothing you think I should know?
Old me: Totally. Here’s what you need to know: USE MASSAGE OIL ON YOUR BELLY WHEN PREGNANT TO AVOID STRETCH MARKS.
Young me: Ok.
Old me: And don’t have an epidural.
Young me : That sounds mental – is the pain not terrible?
Old me: Trust me. Hot water is the BEST THING in labour.
Young me: Nothing else? What’s with the pregnancy and birth chat? I am like SO not interested in that. What about travel?
Old me: Travel. Hmm. Yes – go and enjoy yourself. Just watch out for anti-terror restrictions and volcano dust. And you can’t get a decent thing to eat in Schipol after 5pm.
Young me: (distracted) What’s that?
Old me: Oh. It’s my flux capaciter. Fluxing.
Young me: So, you’ll be off then.
Old me: Guess so.
Young me: Well – say hi to …
Old me: Oh, I will. I’ll be telling them all what a taut belly I used to have. Appreciate it while you can.
Young me: Taut?
Old me: Oh yes.
Young me: Well, it’s been a relief to see you, to know that I am going to see the future. And I… you….we are not too haggard. Which is something.
Old me: No. But it has been an effort. Try to get fit and see as much of the world as you can. Savour time to yourself and love your friends. Lay off the chocolate muffins, the double deckers and the barbecue chicken wings.
Young me: Right.
Old me: Get into Pilates and healthy eating. Run.
Young me: OK. Got it.
Old me: So… it’ll be interesting to get back and see if this trip has messed with the space-time continuum.
Young me: Do you think it will have?
Old me: Well…. I’d let you know…. if that was possible. But in 2011 plutonium is not for sale in every corner drugstore as you might suppose.
Young me: Well, thanks for visiting. I will endeavour to be come a health and fitness machine at once.
Old me: Good-oh. Later.
Young me: Much… Later…
[Lightening Flash. Smoke Puff]